We’re a bit overdue for the biennial Girlfriend Body Pillow Update, which may explain why the situation has so dramatically escalated.

As you may recall from our previous Girlfriend Body Pillow update, the original awkward-breasted design had been joined by a Boyfriend Body Pillow, available in a colorful array of half button-down shirts. This was a significant development not in terms of gender equality, but also because it introduced the tantalizing notion that comfort-pillows could feature hands (or, hand) not ensconced in what appears to be a bright yellow glove.

Rather than a step forward, today we must report a serious regression. Not only has the original Girlfriend Body Pillow not taken any evolutionary cues from its dudebro equivalent, it is now available (at Sears, as always) at three different price points.

You can now pay the not-at-all arbitrary sums of $16.72, $29.95, or $47.38 for a Girlfriend Body Pillow. To be clear: These are offered under slightly different names, and have product descriptions that achieve varying heights of whimsy. (The Moshi Girlfriend Body Pillow promises “2 round shape cushions on the surface that gives you a breast-like sensation,” while the Deluxe Comfort Breast Friend Pillow, Pink offers “comfortable sleep for bachelors or boy friends who were missing their girlfriends too much”).

Do not be fooled. These are by all accounts the exact same Girlfriend Body Pillow. The more expensive version features no bonus features, no extra cuddles, and leaves the exact same-sized hole in a deep corner of your soul. Consider this, then, both a regular update and a public service announcement: If you are in the market for a Girlfriend Body Pillow, do not spend more than $16.72 on it.

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As a bonus, here’s a picture of the Girlfriend Body Pillow (again, the same no matter what it’s called) on an actual couch, as provided by the listing for Girlfriend Pillow Girlfriend Body Pillow - Pink:

“Do your wife?s business trips make you unease at bed time? Perhaps the fact that you don?t have her around to shares your dreams makes it harder for you to fall sleep. This comfortable pillow recreates the comfort of having your beloved partner,” says the accompanying item description.

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Sic, both on the wording and the suggestion that your beloved partner is shaped like pink, bug-eyed, quarter-Gumby.

This has been your (belated) biennial Girlfriend Body Pillow update.